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KAKO ZAČETI POGOVOR Z NEZNANCEM: 9 PRAKTIČNIH PRISTOPOV

28. 11. 2023

Včasih se znajdemo v situaciji, ko bi radi začeli pogovor z nekom, ki ga ne poznamo. Morda smo na poslovnem srečanju in bi radi razširili mrežo svojih kontaktov. Morda smo v družbi drugih poslovnežev, od katerih bi se lahko nekaj naučili, pridobili kakšno zanimivo ali uporabno informacijo ali pa celo sklenili prijateljstvo, ki presega poslovne okvire.

Ne glede na to, ali ste na zabavi, v preddverju gledališča ali na službenem dogodku, se lahko zgodi, da stojite z več posamezniki, ki jih še nikoli niste srečali. Radi bi se z nekom pogovorili, vendar kot mnogi izmed nas preprosto niste prepričani, kje začeti. Morda na koncu celo obupate ter raje preverite e-pošto na svojem telefonu … in čakate, da trenutek mine. 🙂

Zakaj je tako nerodno začeti pogovor z novo osebo?

Zakaj nam je tako nerodno začeti pogovor z nekom, ki ga ne poznamo? Kako to, da se nam zdi skoraj vse, kar pride iz naših ust, neprimerno in lastnim ušesom zveni “butasto”? Morda se bojimo, da sogovornika ne bomo zmogli pritegniti v pogovor.

No, najprej vedite, da še zdaleč niste sami. Julia DiGangi, nevropsihologinja in avtorica knjige Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power pravi, da sta negotovost in zavrnitev dva največja sprožilca za naše možgane.

Ko se srečamo z novo osebo, pa se sprožita kar oba.

Ko začnemo pogovor z neznano osebo, ne vemo, ali nas bo morebiti zavrnila, izpostavlja DiGangijeva. Soočimo se z negotovostjo v družbenih situacijah in v možganih se nam aktivirajo mreže, povezane z grožnjami. Zato nas preplavijo občutki dvoma, strahu in zmede.

Poleg tega morda nismo prepričani, katere teme bodo zanimive ali sprejemljive za novo osebo. Ugledna losangeleška psihologinja Lauren Kerwin namreč poudarja, da so pravila družbenega udejstvovanja zelo zapletena in včasih so pomembni majhni odtenki sivin. Vse to pa vodi v negotovost ali tesnobo.

Oboje prispeva k temu, da stojite zraven nekoga … in iz žepa potegnete telefon.

Vaša poteza je glede na povedano popolnoma razumljiva in logična. Vendar na srečo obstaja poleg telefona še kakšna druga rešitev, ki nas celo pripelje do zaželenega cilja – pogovora.

Vrsta psihologov je namreč preučevala načine, kako začeti pogovor in v nadaljevanju je nekaj najbolj uporabnih namigov, ki sem jih zasledila.

9 pristopov za uspešen začetek pogovora z neznancem (po mnenju psihologov)

1. “Pozdravljeni, mislim, da se še nisva srečala. Jaz sem [vaše ime].”

Kerwinova pravi, da je ta fraza enostavna in določa vašo identiteto: “Idealno je, ker odpira vrata tudi drugi osebi, da se predstavi,” pravi Kerwinova. To je lahko vaš osnovni in najbolj preprost pristop za začetek pogovora.

2. “Nisem si mogel pomagati, da ne bi slišal, kako govorite/se pogovarjate o [temi]. To tudi mene zelo zanima.”

Če se združite z nekom v skupnem interesu, vas to zelo hitro poveže in pripelje do občutka, da se super ujamete ali da sta celo sorodni duši. Navedeni pristop je kot iskrica, ki sproži to povezanost in pokaže, da ste odprti za razpravo, pravi Kerwinova.

3. “Želite slišati nekaj smešnega?”

Študije na področju nevroznanosti kažejo, da lahko smeh zviša raven serotonina v vaših možganih – t.i hormona za srečo, ki ustvarja dobro počutje.

“Obstaja razlog, zakaj ljudje smeh imenujejo najboljše zdravilo,” pravi DiGangijeva in nadaljuje: “Ni se vam treba sekirati, če niste po poklicu stand-up komik. Preprosto vprašajte svojega sogovornika, ali bi rad videl smešen “meme” ali kratek videoposnetek na YouTube-u, ki ste ga pripravljeni dati v skupno rabo. Smeh bo zmanjšal napetost in povečal povezanost.”

4. “Kaj gledaš/ješ/piješ?”

“Če se držite osnov pogovora, ne morete zgrešiti,” pravi DiGangijeva. Vprašati nekoga o njegovi izkušnji v tem trenutku, je preprost način, da ga brez pritiska povabimo k pogovoru.

5. “Opazil sem, da berete [ime knjige]. Kakšna se vam zdi?”

Če oseba drži v rokah knjigo ali drugo gradivo za branje (npr. dvostranski intervju v Sobotni prilogi), je ta stavek idealen. Kaže namreč, da ste pozorni na sogovornika in vas zanimajo njegove misli.

6. “Ali ste se že udeležili takšnega dogodka?”

Ali ste na nekem dogodku z veliko novimi ljudmi? Kerwinova meni, da ta stavek omogoča drugi osebi, da deli svoje izkušnje. “Popoln je za dogodke ali zabave in vam pomaga pridobiti vpogled v zgodovino osebe glede na situacijo, v kateri sta oba,” pojasnjuje. Vprašanje lahko tudi vsebinsko nekoliko prilagodite razmeram in vprašate sogovornika, ali se je že udeležil izobraževanja pri tem organizatorju dogodkov, ali se je udeležil letošnjih predstav v Mladinskem gledališču (če ste v tem gledališču, seveda 🙂 ), ipd.

7. “Odkod poznate gostitelja?”

Če se udeležujete dogodka, je to zelo priročna fraza, da prelomite led. “Če nekoga srečate na poslovnem dogodku ali na zabavi, je najbolj zanesljiv začetek pogovora to, da se pozanimate, kakšno povezavo ima vaš sogovornik z ljudmi, ki jih poznate,” pravi DiGangijeva. Če povemo zelo preprosto: ta stavek vam lahko pomaga najti skupni jezik.

8. “Ali želite slišati zgodbo?”

Vsi ljudje radi poslušajo zgodbe. Zato DiGangijeva predlaga naslednje: “Smiselno je, da jih imate nekaj v malem mezincu. Ne gre za nastop na TED Talk-u, niti za predavanje, zato brez panike” 🙂

Pripravite si nekaj trominutnih zgodb, ki jih lahko poveste. In če ste glede tega pristopa zelo živčni, si lahko vedno v beležnico v telefon zapišete nekaj opomb/iztočnic, da boste lažje povedali zgodbo. Tako lahko med družabnim srečanjem – če ste zelo živčni – na hitro pogledate v telefon, kaj želite povedati.

9. “To je super [predmet, ki ga imajo]. Smem vprašati, kje ste ga dobili/kupili?”

Ali se še spomnite tiste afere, ko so predsednika ZDA Billa Clintona ujeli, kako je pri vsakem sogovorniku pohvalil kravato?

No, k sreči vas …..ne bodo snemali. 😉 Zato, če vse drugo odpove in se počutite preveč živčni, da bi bili še zabavni ali duhoviti, ne pozabite, da je pohvala običajno zanesljiv način za začetek pogovora. Komplimenti vam omogočajo, da začnete pogovor, hkrati pa poskrbijo, da se druga oseba počuti dobro o sebi.

“Umetnost postavljanja vprašanj v pogovorih je v tem, da razumemo, kaj v resnici iščemo. In to je – povezavo,” razmišlja DiGangijeva. “Na videz se to vprašanje morda zdi površinsko, vendar je veliko globlje od tega. Ko se začnete pogovarjati z novo osebo, so omrežja vaših možganov za zaznavanje groženj v stanju visoke pripravljenosti in razmišljajo: Ali me ta oseba obsoja? Me bo zavrnila? Ali misli, da sem videti dovolj dobro? Sem dovolj zanimiva?” Če osebo pohvalite in nadaljujete z vprašanjem, na katerega je enostavno odgovoriti, pomagate ustvariti pomirjujočo, odprto energijo, ki bo osebo pritegnila.

In še klasični lomilec ledu …

Pogovor o vremenu je pristop, ki sem ga v zgornjem seznamu izpustila. Kerwinova razpravo o vremenu imenuje “univerzalni lomilec ledu”, ker je nevtralen, sorazmeren in običajno ne vodi do polemik. Navežite pogovor na nevihto, zaradi katere pred kratkim niste spali, ali na snežni metež, zaradi katerega je bila pot v službo težka.

Vendar nekaj previdnosti pri uporabi tega pristopa ne bo odveč. Gre seveda za tematiko, ki postaja iz leta v leto aktualnejša in o kateri se je preprosto pogovarjati. Obstaja pa seveda tveganje, da naletite na nekoga, ki je pravkar doživel hudo poplavo ali nevihto, in morda bo pogovor na to temo težak.

Ko boste torej naslednjič v situaciji, kjer stojite ob neznancih in vam prsti hitijo v žep ali torbico po mobitel, preizkusite enega od zgornjih pristopov, in morda boste presenečeni, kako lepo se boste povezali s nekom in pridobili poslovni stik, informacijo ali celo novega prijatelja.

avtor: Sara Brezigar

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  • Sara Brezigar

    Dr. Sara Brezigar je strokovnjakinja s področja strateškega upravljanja s človeškimi viri, ki uspešnim podjetnikom in upravam pomaga zastaviti sisteme nagrajevanja in izboljšati vodenje. Magistrirala je na London School of Economics, ki je vrhunska evropska ustanova na področju upravljanja s človeškimi viri. Sodelovala je pri svetovalnih projektih za številna slovenska in tuja podjetja, kot izredna profesorica pa predava in raziskuje na Univerzi na Primorskem. Sara se redno pojavlja v medijih (RTV Slovenija, 24ur.com, Svet Kapitala, Delo, ...). Za coaching in strateško svetovanje jo najemajo predvsem podjetniki, ki bi radi naredili večje spremembe pri kadrovskih strategijah, vodstvenih pristopih in pri sistemu nagrajevanja. Direktorji podjetij posebej cenijo njeno sposobnost zaznavanja bodočih problemov, ki izvirajo iz trenutnih odločitev.

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